giovedì 1 settembre 2016

My therapist terminated me, kicked me out, banned me, dumped me after six years

Hi everybody, let me start with a disclaimer: In this post I am going to talk about a stupid first world problem, and you can bet I will get overdramatic. Yes, I whine and complain all the time. So please do not be offended by my self-centered, self-absorbed point of view on things right now, I know the world is falling apart with real tragedies but this is my blog, please let me fill it with some pointless personal drama.

Lettori italiani: so scrivere in italiano, l'italiano è una lingua bellissima ma in certe circostanze l'uso di una lingua straniera permette a chi scrive di mantenere un certo distacco emotivo dal racconto. Quindi abbiate pazienza, e comunque non è poi vi state perdendo una pagina di grande letteratura o chissà che epico evento.

So, hello again. Some of you may have noticed I have not posted anything new from my last short post about me quitting. Well, long story short: I have had an awful time. The whole eye situation has gone awry. And crying my eyes out during the past three months has not helped.
My gas boiler almost killed us all, since it was emitting a huge amount of carbon monoxide in my kitchen and if I had not had a carbon monoxide alarm which made me call the fire department God only knows what would have happened.

In the meantime, my psychotherapist decided to dump me after six years of therapy. This is the main reason why I have been quitting living for the past three months, which I have spent crying.
Okay, I know you think this is just crazy nonsense. Well, in fact you are right, it is, if you have a normal, happy life and you look at me scratching your head, puzzled. Everything is so messed up right now inside of my head and in my life that "crazy nonsense" is the appropriate definition a well-functioning person would give of this moment I am living.
I hope I can confide in the sympathy of those who have been in a long-term therapy and know how it can change your whole life and personality.
Well, dear friends, let's share a secret: I am devastated.

My therapy was a messy one, I do not want to hide it or idealize something which was totally imperfect. It was painful some days, things have gone wrong many times, but it was my therapy, it was my hour with my therapist, it was something real and human, something you could feel in your guts, not one of those stupid fairy tales you sometimes read in books written by therapists who want to show they are perfect and their theories work 100% right and their therapies are oh, so amazing. We did not fake it.
And I cannot believe she left me this way.
Not only my therapist terminated my sessions abruptly, she literally kicked me out of the consulting room and the studio, she closed the door and walked away leaving me alone like the most disgusting piece of trash she had ever seen. Her last words, which I will remember as long as I live, were: "I do not want to stay here and discuss this with you. I have to go now."
So basically since that day of June (the 15th at noon if you want to know the details) my life has stopped. I tried to go back to have some final sessions, get an explanation, but since that day she has not answered any of my calls or my messages and she has basically erased my existence from her world and washed her hands of her responsabilities.
She destroyed my life and could not care less.

The official explanation was we could not work on my problems anymore, because the sessions were lacking new thoughts to build on. I said, ok, I have had some horrible weeks, and this may have affected my mood and our sessions, but now let me try and see if we will find some new ones together but no, she terminated my sessions and goodbye. I said it was not fair and she said no, it was not fair but she said she had taken that decision. She was so heartless I will never get over it. She killed me, she might as well have taken out a gun and shot me in the heart, because that was what it felt like, and it still does.
After six years this was the termination I was given.

Now think of meeting a person every week for six years, sitting there with her and opening your heart to her and then after all those years being kicked out by that same person you trusted and loved. That person who knows everything about you, all about your personal history, your traumas and problems. And I have had quite a bit, I must tell you. Otherwise I would not have had the need for a therapy.
I loved her very much and I literally put my heart in her hands. 
The first time I saw her I had that feeling: "Do I know her? Have I seen her before?" and I knew she was the right one. I had a short hiatus due to my health but when I called her back on the phone I thought she was so sweet and I had to go back and start a therapy with her.
I was there when I fell ill with my TED.
I was there when I was 85 pounds and had to be hospitalized to fix my crazy Basedow disease.
I was there when my legs shook and I felt so dizzy I could barely walk.
I was there the morning my father died.
I was there when I had a panic attack and she held my hand.

And now everything is gone, I feel like my whole world has crushed and I am left without a reason to live. I am alone, and she knew I would have been devastated and alone, because I had told her many times how tragic a termination would have been for my life. And she choose the most brutal, the hardest one to accept and to cope with.
I have lost all my hope, all the little amount of trust in people I had left is vanished and I cannot go on living. I cannot sleep, I cannot think, I cannot eat, I cry my eyes out every night.
I have lost too much in my life in such an unfair way to start again. First, my health, then, my eyes, my father, now my therapy. It is too much for me to handle. I will never go back into therapy with somebody else. I am done.
I cannot imagine next week all her patients are coming back to her and I will be the only one who has been kicked out and banned like a leprous. I was waiting my whole week to sit on that chair , it was the only thing I had left, the only thing that could give me some hope, the only light in the dark and I would give anything to see her again. I feel like my life is not worth living anymore and I cannot live another day with this unbearable pain.
I feel like the dirtiest bag of trash and I see no future, all I can think of is what was and what will not be again.

So...I guess no new miniatures for now and for a long long time.
If you have made it through the whole post, you are great and I thank you very much for reading my words.
If you have not, I can understand you, I can be quite a pain in know.

Lots of love,

6 commenti:

  1. Ciao Natalia,so che non ci conosciamo,ma mi sono imbattuta per puro caso nel tuo post su Facebook,ho letto il tuo blog e vorrei solo dirti una cosa: FORZA.
    Un abbraccio,Pandanna

    1. Ciao Pandanna, prima di tutto vorrei dirti che mi è capitato spesso di vedere le tue miniature e le trovo di un livello altissimo, sei molto brava. E poi ti ringrazio per il tuo commento e l'abbraccio. Natalia

  2. Hey. Remember when I wrote you a comment on Facebook, like one year ago ? You were very depressed... I told you that there is always new days in the future for you and nothing can always go bad. Also, it's the same for people. Your therapist didn't do a good job with you, but you know, there is plenty other people on earth. Your therapist was indeed an important person for you, but... it's just ONE person. You could meet many many others. Sticking with just one person that is in fact not good for you didn't help you feeling better. You got like, imprisonned in this relation... Please, don't give up. Go see other people, therapists, etc... which can help you. Tell them all your story. They actually might help you better in some weeks that this person helped you in 6 years. And don't stop if just one person doesn't want to help you or doesn't know how to do it. As I said, there is many people in this world. You can also ask people that can't help you if they know people that can help you. And, meanwhile, take care of you. It's very important. Even if you don't like yourself. A little drop of self confidence will help people... to help you. I know, it's easier to say than to do... But you can do it ! Even of you don't believe it. Loving youself is possible. Don't give up, ok ?

    1. Hi Daniel! Yes I remember your comment on Facebook, in fact I read it just last week and thought: "my therapy has gone bad too, sigh!". Thank you for supporting me. Well, at the moment I don't feel like meeting other therapists or people, or doing anything in general. Things are more complex than it seems. I have been in different therapies and all have ended in a bad way, some in a very bad way. I have had suffered many traumas and I didn't expect such a traumatic termination from a person who knew all about them. I think if she wanted to terminate our therapy, she could at least avoid kicking me out like a leprous. I mean, leaving me outside like a bag of trash. She is the most important person in my life, she is unique and irreplaceable and she has made many things for me, but she screwed up and she caused me a terrible pain and this will hardly be fixed by someone else. No apologies, no explanations, she refused to talk to me again, how can this be forgotten and left behind? I act out terrible relationship patterns anyway, so I can't succeed in the future either.

    2. Also, when you lose somebody in such a way you lose a part of yourself as well, but when you have lost so much in your life that too much of yourself is gone, there is nothing left and you are totally dead inside.

    3. I see... But, you know, everybody -you included - is unique and irreplaceable. Also, it is the job of a therapist to help you manage these relationship patterns. I hope you will find happiness in your relations in particular one day.